If you are searching google to find out what narcissistic abuse feels like, then you are also likely asking yourself these questions? “Is my ex a narcissist” “How to know you’re dealing with a narcissist?” “Did I marry a narcissist?” or “How do you know if you’re dating a narcissist?”
The goal of this blog post is to give you the ability to spot a narcissist and walk away.
I will assist you with that by helping you understand what the 3 stages of dating a narcissist looks and feels like, including the 4th Stage, Hoovering.
I’ll also be sharing what it actually felt like for me, a Thriver of Narcissistic Abuse.
Exposing my pain will make it more relatable to you. I don’t always like being so exposed but I know it will help you spot a narcissist and walk away. The goal!
What Is Narcissistic Behavior?
How to Know You’re Dealing with a Narcissist.
I get it, you want to be sure. So you’re searching because you want to get a bit more clearer about what you suspect is going on.
The three parts of the narcissistic cycle – idealize, devalue, discard – are very, very, and I add very painful.
Fortunately, there is hope for you if you’re suffering from this narcissistic abuse and even better help if you learn how to handle Hoovering. Once you understand the narcissistic cycles of abuse, you can escape at any point.
Your chances of breaking free from the trance of this type of abusive relationship, increases when you are aware of what hoovering is.Lana McMurray// writer of this blog, Owner & founder of free 2 thrive coaching llc
What’s In It For You?
- You will become aware of the signs and behaviors that present in toxic relationships.
- You will learn what Hoovering is and how it sucks you back into the relationship after things have supposedly ended and help break the suction.
- Your brain will become more clear. It will be easier for you to see the signs in your own relationship or someone else’s that you love, so you can help them
Every piece of knowledge that you gain from this blog post will help you gain back lost self-respect, have more peace of mind, and get relief from the torment of a broken heart.
I’ve created an Empowered Thoughts Guide that helps soothe painful memories. You can access it now.
Get Immediate Access to the Free Guide Now.
As a Self Recovery Expert who specializes in helping entrepreneurial women delayed by toxic relationships get back on track and achieve their desires, I’ve overcome this experience.
I am thrilled to share what experts agree on and what I personally know.
When you finish reading this you’ll be on your way to recovering yourself.
So what are these stages all about?
That’s what we are going to explore in-depth right here and right now.
What Are Narcissists Attracted To?
Why Do I Keep Attracting Narcissists?
Mr. Charming chooses ideal people. Hence, the “Idealization Phase.”
These are people he idealizes.
These women are intelligent, accomplished, most likely independent.
These are women who feel comfortable in their own skin, for the most part, that is one of the ways they stand out.
And a good number of them have succeeded in their lives financially and are respected in the community.
So to sum up these aren’t desperate women but women who are living an ideal life on their terms.
They could be extremely young like in my case where I was actively getting myself together. At age 18 I was pursuing Real Estate investing, various entrepreneurial opportunities, and digging into spiritual enlightenment.
Shit, I wasn’t looking for no damn man. He SAW me.
So that stigma that you may have in your head, that they seduce mainly women who they can dominate, that don’t have a focus or discipline in life is a lie.
Sorry babe – he spotted YOU because you were and are THE SHIT.
That’s me, cheesing, the effervescent happy go lucky kid in the rust-colored shirt
BUT – – I had some major INSECURITIES – and I’d hadn’t worked them out.
My mom died on vacation at age 11 years, (shortly after this photo), the summer before 7th (Seventh) grade. It rocked my world, to say the least. Then my sister, a few years after that while I was in high school. (She’s In the black jacket & blue pants, mom beside her)
Even though I was a deeply loved child. No one was able to fill my mom’s absence.
My sister was a close second to that, but she was now gone too.
I didn’t trust anyone else, who could help me, with my self-doubt, insecurities, and fears. So I masked them with my passion for entrepreneurship.
So when my ex pursued me with all the full strength of the Idealization Phase, discussed next, I was not ready for it.
I was ripe for manipulation.
What about you? Did you feel vulnerable when he met you too?
The Spell Is Cast
It starts with the Idealization Phase.
You meet a man or a woman and you seem to really connect.
They act genuinely interested in you and only you and it seems as if the days of getting played and playing games are finally over.
You’ve finally found him/her. You’ve met yourself a keeper.
From here on out, I’m going to mainly speak about a man, but you can substitute for a woman as they can be narcissists too. Trust and believe, I’ve met them.
He waits to talk about himself and lets you share deeply from the heart, careful not to interrupt.
He leans in close and really listens to you and ensures that you know that you are heard.
He takes this deep dive into all of who you are, just so he can know you better.
He doesn’t talk so much about himself because you are so interesting to him.
He seems to hang onto every word you say, only interrupting excitedly when you have something in common.
They don’t interrupt you. They just listen, and I mean really listen. You can tell by how they remember facts and details and treat you.
Such as, they remember that you don’t like mayonnaise, (as in my case) and this gives you the warm fuzzies when to your surprise they order you a hamburger with no mayonnaise without you having to say a word.
When they look at you, they hold their gaze. They let you know that they are taking you in. His eyes sparkle when his meets yours and you smile back at him, you can’t believe your luck and he can’t believe what he’s found.
Refreshingly they don’t notice the things that make you feel insecure or at least they play down your faults.
They treat you like you’re flawless, like imperfection does not exist with you.
You honestly feel as if you can let your guard down.
When he gets around to himself, to your delight you discover that you are so much alike.
He likes what you like.
Long drives to no where, just cruising and seeing what you see. (me again)
Any movie you are interested in.
Going out in crowds, such as Christmas shopping in a busy mall or going to the bustling State Fair. (my introverted partner quickly dropped being out around crowds once married).
You’re so much the same. You can’t believe how much you have in common. You talk about all the exciting activities you’ll do together.
Your feel singled out.
His interest in you feels good.
The differences you do have are so fascinating, you’ve never known anyone like that before.
Great adventures you will have exploring that aspect of him.
Most likely, the relationship started off with him hot for you too. He’s just got to have you right Now.
As the relationship continues it becomes even more Intense, as he pursues you with an all-consuming chase.
He focused on you and makes you the center of attention.
The relentless pursuit makes you feel special and you end up engaging in sex way earlier than you had expected.
Now It’s Is possible for love at first sight to exist?
People have met and married in record time and have a healthy and well balanced relationship.
But in a healthy relationship there is a steady pace that is comfortable for both partners, unlike that in a toxic one where one person seems to be rushing.
Right after you’ve been selected and passed their tests they begin grooming you, like a Frog sitting in room temperature water – you know the analogy.
Cue the Grooming.
First off Mr. Charming must bring you into his fictitious reality – his world.
And grooming is how he does it.
What that means is that He’s got to get you to see things from his point of view.
Supposedly (He lets you see the real him).
HOW DO THEY GROOM YOU?
My Mr. Charming made sure I knew about his sad past and the disappointments he faced and overcame in life.
In fact, I only agreed to “a” date with him after seeing him walk into the dining area of the restaurant we worked all sick and weak like.
Up until this point I had turned down every opportunity he took to ask me out.
I was impressed by his persistence but not attracted to him or desirous of him.
Coworkers love him and thought I was strange for saying no all the time respected at work.
After we started dating coworkers and others continued to say how lucky I was to have a real man.
I don’t know how your Mr. Charming shared his “true self” with you, but I’m sure it was quite touching. lol
I actually would like to know, please share in the comments what tour of connection he took you on.
Alright, so I do know this.
He does this to get control of your perception.
Because perception is our home base in this Universe, Universe being key.
Connection. Connecting with you on an otherworldly level.
So by shaping the image you will have of him they get to control your perception of what you see and think they are, – initially.
Presentation is everything, and Honey he will be soooo On Point.
He’ll be ever so CONSISTENT….and soooo RESPECTFUL.
Who they say they are, what they say they do, they back it up with action.
They follow through. You can count on them for that. Guaranteed.
When they start talking about themselves, they show their vulnerable side.
They tell you about their disappointments and losses, weaknesses, and difficulties they had to overcome.
They get you on their team girl.
Even your family and friends get enlisted, so don’t feel bad.
This process is very subtle.
It’s all a manipulative ploy to get you to trust them enough to start playing with your mind.
He shaped my perception of him beautifully.
If you’d like to hear more details about this, check out my Power of Clarity Program.
HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN SOMEONE IS PLAYING WITH YOUR MIND?
Your intuition is going off that something is wrong. That’s how.
You can’t put your finger on it, but you know something’s off.
Your spirit just won’t rest for some reason.
I personally had the strangest alarm. I felt a gentle swirl inside my midsection.
I’d never felt that sensation before and I didn’t know what to do with it so I pushed it down.
Well, to be honest, I focused on the abundance of attention he was showing me.
But the sensation kept coming back.
If it wasn’t for the distraction from the overabundant displays of affection from my Mr. Charming I would have caught on to my gut trying to get my attention.
My intuition was screaming but I ignored myself and continued delighting in all the attention I was receiving.
Is Yours? Is your intuition screaming at you, … gently?
Why don’t you stop to listen?
WHY THEY GROOM YOU?
The grooming process is done to induce a specific state of mind in you.
The type of state of mind that will want to help them when they start acting an ass.
IT conditionS you to Feel sorry for them in advance. so you’ll tolerate their bullshit when they start revealing their real self.
PERCEPTION CONTINUE is what they are after because it makes extraction possible – never forget that.
They are out to EXTRACT Energy.
And They need you to stay around for the feed on your good energy.
Everything really is Energy.
HOW NARCISSISTIC GROOMING WORKS FOR THEM
The good person you are, they use this to their advantage.
Once you’ve bought into his story, he’s not a stranger any longer.
Your sympathy reinforces the bond you are forming and makes it harder for you to say, “fuck you dude, you’re crazy,” when he begins to let the mask slip.
You’ll feel too sorry for him to walk away so quickly, especially when he’s convinced you that so many people have abandoned or betrayed them.
You are DIFFERENT remember. You ARE NOT like the others. (famous lines)
WHAT TO DO ABOUT THAT GROOMING?
If you’re at this Stage – IDEALIZATION and you’re catching -SLOW THINGS DOWN.
You DON’T have a relationship.
The narc has never had a real relationship at all with you.
You are the primary source of reinforcement.
This was a transaction of whatever you can do to sustain them so they can go out and do other things.
If you stay past this point, you will face intermittent conditioning, where they’ll suddenly devalue your WORTH and you go around scrambling in the dark, racking your brain trying to figure what just happened and try to get that loving feeling back.
You don’t want to become the safety net that gives them the strength they need to live life while they deplete yours.
It’s best that I’m honest with you. I wish I had me of that in my experience.
You’re being groomed to be this person.
Do you want that assignment?
Need to talk. Let’s me for a Get Acquainted Session and see what’s going on.
Another Way For You To Feel Heard and Seen
When done right, mirroring makes you feel certain that you have met your soul mate.
And given the evidence from his consistency in Grooming Phase, you believe you’re deeply and sincerely truly wanted.
In this stage, you will share a lot more of each other’s flaws, and uncover your commonality.
This is the part of the Idealization Phase that leads to falling hard for your man or woman – remember I’m saying man but women are narcissists too.
Mirroring is when they give you back what YOU WANT TO SEE.
How do they know this?
From the grooming sessions.
Now, these phases can happen in different sequences, mirroring could come first then grooming, what’s important to understand here is that they are tactics.
A means to an end and can happen in tandem with other tactics you learn as you continue to read on.
Mirroring is another fact-finding mission to learn what you want and don’t want, like and dislike, hate, and love.
He will study you to learn your strength and weaknesses, your mannerisms.
And then relate to you in that same fashion.
Being mirrored allows them to get close enough to you to uncover what you are hiding and what you really wish people did not know about you.
It also helps them determine the level of supply you will provide. examples: sex, money – status -security.
It appears that you are sharing your truths with each other and being raw, open, and honest, when in fact they are copying you and pretending to be what you want them to be.
WHAT’S REALLY GOING ON HERE?
What’s really going on is that you are giving them insight into how to control you.
And you are giving them all the information they need to exploit you later and the power to keep you hooked on them.
It’s all pretend though.
Because they change who they are for each individual they are with.
They also trick others, that they are the good ones.
WHY DO THEY MIRROR?
So they can know how to effectively Love Bomb you.
This builds a physical bond between you guys – actually a soul tie – that you will later find hard to break.
This mirroring was not done so that you can know how much they love you.
WHY THEY QUIT MIRRORING?
So after the Love Bombing, the mirroring will soon end.
They discontinue mirroring because it’s exhausting.
The goal of the narcissist is to get narcissistic supply after all not give supply.
They put in all this effort to get you to give it to them on automatic pilot. And only need to do a little maintenance here and there to keep it flowing.
If you can awaken during this stage, you can minimize the damage that can be done to you.
Trauma bonding is on the horizon.
That psychological entrapment is a prison.
You can free yourself before you get ensnared.
I can help you assess the bond that’s been formed so far and help your release that connection. Cause girl, trust me, I know how stealthy and confusing it can be. I got myself out and you guys. Sign up here to talk to me.
We can discuss the energy work that helps you get Free so you can Thrive.
Heres What You Need To Know
The Narc is a mirror to ourselves.
When we fall in love with the narc we falling in love with ourselves.
When we attract and get involved with the narc, we aren’t actually falling in love with them, because that person who charmed you doesn’t really exist.
They are mirroring back to your positive traits because you are worthwhile. So girl, you’re actually falling in love with yourself.
This is the Perfect Time to build your Self Worth and Self Esteem. It’s easy for you to see your value because they are really mirroring the real you.
Use The Mirroring to Your Advantage
Take a notepad and write down the compliments and praise you are getting. Note the repeating themes and attributes. These are natural giftings within you. They are beautiful. You are beautiful. How about you embrace those.
WHAT DO YOU NEED TO DO?
Alright, so as I mentioned before about my insecurities made me vulnerable.
Being abused by a Narcissist is NOT your fault, and remember they found you.
However, low self-worth, makes it easy to be manipulated so you would want to work on those qualities.
- Poor Boundaries.
- Saying Yes when you want to say no.
- Fear of others’ anger.
- Fear of Disappointing others.
And other symptomatic issues stemming from a wounded inner child.
Gonna point out again, that this is the work I do. I’m a Trauma-Informed Self Recovery Coach.
I help you heal and get Free 2 Thrive.
And if you are an entrepreneur, along with the specialized trauma coaching, I also help you stay on track with moving your creative pursuits and business forward. So Marketing, Branding, Tech – are included in the Entrepreneurial package – Check out both.
CODEPENDENT NO MORE
You don’t seek this out due to codependency.
That was the first thing I learned years ago when I started getting Domestic Abuse Counseling with Harbor Houe here in Florida.
I talk about this on PODCAST Episode 1.
We do not choose this experience consciously.
We do however choose this subconsciously.
Which is why I became an Energy Leadership Coach, I’ve got a Specialized Certification in it MP-ELI.
I love the subconscious-energy work, it finds your current default energy and then works to break those subconscious contracts, psychic attachments, psychic bonds, psychic cords all the reasons why you will feel as if you can’t escape the relationship even if you left it.
The Hoovering strengthens the psychic bond because of these.
Every time you look, talk about, come upon a memory about them you strengthen the psychic bond.
So you will have to do the work on yourself.
And the first is to recognize what’s happening.
So you are the shit.
Come to a deep understanding that this did not happen to us but happened for us.
We needed to wake up and take off the rose-colored glasses and stop neglecting ourselves.
So the Inner Work
DAMN SO WHAT’S NEXT?
There are some things to consider in this little whirlwind of a relationship you have and a major one is Love Bombing.
Men who move too fast in a relationship tend to be toxic and manipulative.
And this love story you guys are weaving together can be great in the beginning but when toxic, turn out horribly in the upcoming weeks or months.
As I reveal in my Power of Clarity Program, his moving too fast was a huge problem for me. I didn’t realize this until it was too late.
My grooming was sooooo very good that I thought his ultimatums were a sign of love.
Yeah girl, I’ve got some embarrassing shit in that little digital online program I created to help you get clear on things.
Taking the relationship slower can reveal what their real intentions are for you.
WHAT IS LOVE BOMBING?
It’s not felt as bombardment if done right.
If you were properly assessed, they will give you what you crave, need, and desire, all that you’ve been missing.
You’ll be flattered that he’s paying such careful attention to you and hitting all your right spots.
Let’s be honest, having your man’s attention and physical affection does feel good.
Anyone who is cared for so attentively will be in their feelings and seeing into the future.
But in a healthy relationship, the intention is to build a future.
As opposed to in a toxic relationships where the intention is to distract you from their real purpose of being with you.
And they do this by putting you on a pedestal and sweeping you off your feet.
The extensive undertaking of loving you sets off an addictive biochemical reaction.
This anchors you to them and keeps you coming back for more, even when you eventually see through them.
The fast pace at which they pursue you doesn’t give you much time to think about what is really happening.
It actually prevents you from seeing the grooming, the fake mirroring, and lies that they are keeping because there are always lying.
You will have this crazy passion to be with him. And not all sexual. I did not have a sexual attraction to my ex when we were dating. But I wanted to spend time around him every day.
* *Comments that I’ve heard from my clients are. “I always thought I was special because we could have conversations on the phone for hours at a time.”
Love bombing is effective. It enables a relationship to move forward very quickly. (often before you are ready)
- Sentimental gestures like love notes left out for you to find
- Sweet texts, and quick reply backs
- Opening the car door (my ex’s favorite – after our 2nd child I ad to open my own door)
- Random acts of kindness
- Fun and excitement like short trips they fully plan
- Planned romantic dates
- A Big Big Experience is an unending supply of time availability – you call, text, stop by they are where they are supposed to be and are available for you. – Until they suddenly disappear in the Devalue Stage.
- They agrees with just about everything you say.
- They talks about a future with you and may even call you by his last name.
- They constantly get you gifts and surprise you.
- They are super affectionate especially in public.
- Displays of devotion and affection on social media too.
- You are always in touch, talking all the time.
- They say they love you early and often.
- It seems too good to be true
Love Bombing is an intense connection.
The relationship feels like a whirlwind, so much is happening and so quickly.
BUT THIS HONEYMOON PHASE ENDS ABRUPTLY
DANGERS OF LOVE BOMBING
He is building this bond but does he intend to keep it with you?
It’s natural to feel a rush of emotions when we first get involved with someone. It’s called a “lover’s high.”
The Dopamine in your body is engaged and it normal, This happens naturally when we meet someone new.
You know, from what I read from experts and from what I’ve experienced, I really don’t think they know this. It just works. Like gravity.
Causes you to behave in ways you are not really ready for like a child – as in my case.
I wouldn’t give up my daughter for anything in this world but I was a college student with no plans of starting a family or getting married.
I talk about this whole experience in my Power of Clarity Program.
If you were brought up in the Christian lifestyle like me, you can feel a strong sense of responsibility to make things right in the eyes of God and give your child what every child needs – a mother and a rather under the same roof.
But Don’t Forget: the end game is to get you addicted and hooked on to them so that you will be so caught up and swept off your feet.
How Do You Become Immune To Idealization?
Stop placing your sense of approval in other people.
Start validating and approving of yourself.
The need to please can be a problem.
Quick Mindset Shift
Notice your reaction when someone praises you – how do you feel?
Do you lean into the compliment and overly thank someone for it?
or do you simply say thank you and keep it pushing?
REASON I ASK:
It is really helpful for you to neutralize your response to praise.
just say thank you , don’t invest anymore into it.
Practice not getting knocked off center when someone praises you so that you won’t get doped up on the idealization and that will keep your head clear.
Grab Your FREE Guide Here
Let The Mind Games
SONG: The Thrill is gone.
Most often than not the start of the devaluation phase goes unnoticed.
Because you’re booed up and attached you miss the initial warnings signs and stay comfortably unaware until the signs get too big to ignore.
Your perfect man, The perfect version of him appears and disappears. (Blow Hot and Cold. keyword)
When this man who loves us like no other starts to act out of character we make excuses for them and justify their behavior because something has had to happen to change their behavior towards us.
But really This Inconsistency is the start of Devaluation.
What we don’t realize is that we are no longer on the pedestal but on our way down to the floor.
Suddenly but not always noticeably you are dethroned and the romance turns sour.
Slowly but surely you’ll start to realize he is not who you thought he was.
Eventually, you’ll become aware that you’re no longer their ideal but not before you strive to understand and fix the relationship. (Hint: trust your gut during Idealization)
This phase, in my opinion is the most painful of all four.
From personal experience I tell you.
You will be stunned and shocked and confused.
Your mind will be shattered and exhausted from trying to save the love you lost.
And you’ll be left with a throbbing heartache.
WHAT IS THE DEVALUATION PHASE?
It’s when you are reduced in value in the mind of your man and treated as such.
The idealization phase, Phase One, that put you on the pedestal can last a few weeks, few months or for some people, a year.
However long it takes for the narc to feel they have complete control of you.
This is Phase 2 of the narcissistic abuse cycle , when you’re tossed off the pedestal that they put you on.
I outlined the 1st Round of idealization in the first section.
It’s the perfect first go around.
There will be other Idealization phases but never like the first time – as Sade says.
Regardless, ready or not, by the end of the honeymoon phase, they either suddenly or gradually turn into someone you don’t recognize and who acts like your enemy. Point blank. Period.
In my Power of Clarity Program, I share the slip-ups I experienced and how others helped me stay blind to what was really happening.
In hindsight, I completely see how this tripped me up and stole so much of my time and I share those insights with you so that you can spare yourself the pain and save your youthfully time, and most importantly, help you to realize that your perfect man has gone away and is never coming back.
Truth is, They never changed.
In the beginning you were only shown their false self.
When the mask has come off, you are seeing the person that they really are.
Remember that GROOMING? You’ve been conditioned to accept this new mean, cruel stranger.
Your new normal will be Intermittent Reinforcement.
Which is simply a dose of Love Bombing (Idealization) mixed with Gas Lighting (Devaluation) (silent treatment/ disappearance and flying monkeys) on repeat – with some discard and hoover thrown in for good measure basically.
I’ll explain what these new realities are.
WHAT YOU MUST KNOW
Intermittent Reinforcement will traumatize your brain – there’s science on that.
Your neurochemistry will become dysregulated and you will become addicted to your partner.
You’ll feel stuck and could find that you’re unable to leave even when they discard you.
WHAT DOES DEVALUATION LOOK AND FEEL LIKE?
Silent treatment aka Disappearance and reappearance – sold to you as a cool off time, or needing time to themselves.
It’s been said that Gas Lighting is the eraser of the abuse is. And that’s absolutely true.
Because GasLighting causes you to doubt your own reality.
And PERCEPTION is the key to your Default Energy Level.
And your Default Energy Level determines what you experience in life.
EVERYTHING IS ENERGY – whether you belive it or not.
My ex would say to me often after I approached him to talk about something he said or did to hurt me:
“I didn’t say that,” “that didn’t happen,” “that’s not a big deal,” “you said (something I never said),” “you’re crazy,” “you’re overreacting,” and his favorite, “you’re too sensitive.” NOTE these are all Verbal Abuse. Narcissists engage in Verbal Abuse.
At the beginning of the marriage, when I had more of my spirited personality still intact, I’d challenge his Perception of the facts.
Naturally, I’d get emotional when he started discounting what I said and making fun of me, and cutting me off as I spoke. He’d say:
“I’m not talking to you like this, I’m not talking to your until you calm down.”
I could not show any emotion.
And that became the M.O. Mode of Operation.
He’d walk off, not allow any further conversation about it and when I would calm down and bring the topic back up he would:
act like he had no idea what I was talking about
or say I was making a mountain out of a molehill
or act like we resolved it and didn’t need to talk about it any more and be irritated that brought it up
Nothing ever got resolved
Things increasingly got worse until the day left.
The more I walked in love and turned the other cheek, the more the problem in our relationship grew.
Why did I stay and put up with this?
Good Grooming. Intermittent Reinforcement. Flying Monkeys
Flying Monkeys meaning – pastors, Christian counselors, well-intentioned family and friends giving me advice and encouraging me to work it out because in their mind, and mine at the time, I was battling THE ENEMY – who was Satan – not this dear man who’d lost his way.
Love would cover those multitudes sin, and it was just sin.
As a wife, and Christian, it was my responsibility to pray and believe God for my husband and win him over by my behavior.
Oh my goodness how I go into this in The Power of Clarity. Again – And not because I want to sell you something. But because I know my stuff.
Verbal Abuse is my Specialty. Narcissists engage in Verbal Abuse.
I have designed a system that uses the mindset shifts, confusion-reducing tactics, and energetic empowering techniques that freed me from a thick fog of confusion and put me on the path to Self Recovery.
Despite being a People Pleaser most of my life and having a huge Fear of Man, I figured out how to get back to me and so can you.
I’m all into the success of every one of my students.
I’m invested in you. Your happiness and peace matter to me.
BE CAREFUL HERE
When you start to emotionally react, you’ve just cosigned their reality.
In Verbal Abusive Relationships (click here to learn more) there are 2 Realities. Power Over Reality 1 and Reality 2 Mutuality.
REASONS WHY KNOWING THESE REALITIES EXIST
It’s how you know that you’re dealing with a narcissist on the ground level.
What I mean by that is, it is a layman’s way for you to detect you are in an unhealthy relationship.
Because what happens many times when you have an impaired self-estimation of yourself, it can be hard for you to allow yourself to see that someone is being manipulative
When your boundaries are weak, or you’re a People Pleaser or worry too much about what other people think, especially if other people are pushing you to fix and heal as it was in my case, you’ll tend to you ignore your intuition. I go in-depth about in my Power of Clarity Program.
LET ME SHOW YOU WANT I MEAN FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE
My downfall was that I tried to fix and solve problems in the relationship when he suddenly started blowing hot and cold.
I thought the problem had to be me because we’d gotten along so well every single day up till then.
Yeah, there were little slip-ups here and there in the beginning but each time I said something about it he’d sincerely apologize and say something like, “you’re right, I’m so sorry.”
HE SUDDENLY CHANGED
But then one day this turned into, “I don’t know what you are talking about,” “that didn’t happen that way,” and him pulling away from me.
He would not leave the house because we were married by this point, but emotionally and physically he’d vacate.
He withheld affection and communing with me.
He’d neglect the relationship. I’d have to supply the warmth and connection if I wanted any.
The silent treatment would go on for hours at first then progressed to days and weeks.
I was left racking my brain trying to figure what the hell happened. Did I imagine it?
I was a stay at home mom, I played with my kids, I read them tons of books, and took them to the park often but without my knowing it, I was ruminating on the conversations I’d had with their dad (as Verbal Abuse is about conversations – not hitting), and I was energetically absent.
This breaks my heart today.
So please don’t discount the damage that Verbal Abuse and Narcissism can do to to your life and children.
Gas Lighting is brutal. This is the reason I created the Power of Clarity Program, because it’s what wished I had and I want to help save others.
I GOT MY MOJO BACK
After I left him, I restarted college. I so felt separated from myself that when I got invited into the Honors Program, I had to meet with the Dean of the Honors Program to see if they meant to give me it.
He assured me if I got his invitation, I belonged in Honors and can do it.
I was so numb and terrified due to my lack of confidence in myself but I took the step of faith and ended up graduating with Honors TWICE.
The motive behind the gaslighting is to make you think that you are crazy or that your memory doesn’t work right, so you can’t trust yourself or your perception so slowly over time, the abuser becomes the authority over your life.
11 More Effects of Gaslighting
- Gaslighting over time creates the effect of confusion, brain fog, self-doubt, disorientation, paranoia
- Feeling like you are losing your mind
- Making you feel vulnerable
- Making it difficult to make judgments, decisions
- Feeling like you are always apologizing
- Second-guessing your own memory
- Feeling a sense of false guilt
- Feeling like you aren’t good enough
- Feeling misunderstood
- Feeling lonely
- Believing what the abuser is saying over what other people are saying
Gas Lighting Recap
It makes you question your sanity or your memory.
It makes you think that you are actually going crazzy.
Can drive you to the point where you have a nervous breakdown.
Can make you have a compulsion for clarifying accuracy in the future -which affects you as a solopreneur or creative entrepreneur because you don’t trust your gut.
Effects on Business
You don’t believe in yourself, your product your service.
You get stuck in Perfection-Paralysis.
My Coaching Services are designed to help entrepreneurial women increase their ability to deal with stress and stay consistent. Let’s Get Acquainted and I will see how I can help.
It has an “its over” feel to it.
They have taken their love and left.
This is the point when the relationship looks and acts like it’s ended.
When discard comes in, your heart and soul are attached to them, and they know this.
If you’ve continued to stick around, you’ve tolerated the devaluation phase.
And furthermore, your loving responses have proved to them that you are attached.
Now that they’ve got you, they can discard you so they can commit to other supplies of energy without having to invest any more effort into you.
They do it out of the blue and very likely during the worst time of your life.
In the beginning, remember when they played the personal pain card?
Now they are banking on the good-natured kindness and sympathy that they groomed in you to kick in so you feel pity and try to understand why this is happening.
The biochemical bond that was been formed makes it hard for you to just pull away.
So they discard you and you crave and miss them.
It’s Not Your Fault. You’ve been Deceived.
Don’t beat yourself up over this. – WAKEUP – CLEAR THE FOG
Doing better for yourself at this point is a better use of your energy than self-hating.
Why Did They Discard You?
They discarded you because that’s who they are.
Now they will want to hoover you.
They never want to break up with you.
It’s always been about power and control.
While tolerating the narcs moodiness and their need to be alone, they more than likely were in one stage or another in a relationship with other people.
What Else Is Going On Here?
You are not at your best. you are disconnected from yourself, you are disconnected from support and, as result, they can’t extract the same quality of supply from you anymore.
They’re also bored with your type of supply and desire to taste other sources.
So they put you on the back burner, but keep you in the loop.
You become a secondary supply and Trauma bonded.
How Long Does This Last?
It will go on until you stop it.
They’ll bounce you through cycles: Doses of idealization>devaluation> doses of idealization>devalue with discard thrown in and some hoovering.
No wonder you are confused, tired, stressed.
The good news is, We control the final discard.
It’s all about self-worth.
Know your Worth and Take your personal power back.
How Could You Feel During Discard?
MOURNING & GRIEF pretty much sums it up.
You morn the relationship just like you do any normal relationship because you’re a healthy human being.
You could wake up sad or wake up missing them.
There’s definitely an ache from missing them in the beginning at least.
You wonder if they miss you or if you meant anything to them at all.
You don’t know what you did or what you said, there’s no closure and they don’t keep it a secret where they are going or what they are doing and who they are doing it with.
They’ve already moved on and callously make no attempt to hide their newfound happiness. Nor soften the blow of how hard this will impact you.
Posting pictures knowing you’ll see them. Showing up at events, knowing mutual acquaintances are present. Knowing this will hurt you.
Add Insult to Injury are that some “friends” can be wishing him well.
The NUMBNESS really sets in during this phase.
As you try to deal you will end up anesthetizing yourself from the pain so you can get through the day.
The numbness will affect how you raise your children and how you build your business.
SOLUTION: MINDSET OF TRUTH
Ask yourself, “What am I are missing?”
The relationship you think you missed out on did not really exist.
The idea was built up in your head but it was really a house built on sand.
It was not healthy enough to miss it.
What you long for, what you are missing is The Person who you thought they were, what you hoped they’d be or maybe still hold out hope they can become when they heal and become.
And who could blame you for not wanting to miss out on that?
You’re a Beautiful Soul. You’ve been through a lot. Allow yourself some Self-Compassion.
The expression hoovering comes from vacuum cleaners it means to suck you back in.
Hoovers can occur at any time after you try to leave the relationship or when you are trying to pull away and get away for good.
It can come immediately or an hour, a day, or even years later.
If it comes after a long period of time be very clear on this fact.
It’s not a compliment to how much they’ve missed you.
It’s to suck you back in the relationship.
The Intention is to restrengthen the psychic bonds and extract supply.
That’s why you go GreyRock amongst other tactics to respond to Hoovers.
If you get sucked back in, don’t blame yourself.
It’s your Traumatized brain that makes this possible.
This is why you need to be in a Program or Specialized Therapy. Because it’s coming and you will need to see clearly and have the power to resist.
What Does Hoover Look Like?
- Maybe they have a serious health condition
- Maybe it’s the Holidays and they want to just say hi
- Maybe they are willing to help you out of a financial bind or need to talk to you about the kids.
Whatever means they use to reopen the relationship, if you let them back in, they will start dosing you with the idealization phase.
If you take the bait, you will re-enter another cycle of abuse.
They are betting on you not getting over them, not bettering yourself, or healing from it.
All in all, you can go through several cycles of abuse beyond the discard phase, let alone prior to the discard.
SOLUTION: MINDSET OF TRUTH
Beware of Abusive Amnesia.
It’s a cognitive suppression that involves an abuse victim who can’t remember certain things that happened to them during their abuse.
This results in your boundaries being violated. This is what allows the abuser to hoover back in.
Know that this exists and start rebuilding your Self-Worth, Self-Esteem, your SELF in general. Check out the free resources in my Relationship with Self Section.
How To Resist Being Hoovered?
See them for the person they are not who you thought they were.
Truly that’s it. But of course, there are levels to this.
There are varying levels of toxicity. Mr. & Mrs. Charming can be more covert or more overt in his ill will which will make an impact on how long you stay.
Couples in toxic cycles can continue going on in this way in some cases for 20 to 30 years or until someone dies.
Bottom line is that there’s no real reason why this is happening other than they need supply.
Mr. and Mrs. Charming are brain disordered individuals who don’t bond with anyone. Their neurochemistry is not affected.
Instead, they deceive and lie their way into the hearts and minds of ideal people and live off the energy that interaction supplies be it Positive energy or Negative energy.
WHEN YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE THIS IS HAPPENING TO YOU?
Meaning, when you can deactivate the patterns in your subconscious mind that go into overdrive to protect the programming hard wired during these stages.
Just saying you’re going to Stop Faling For It doesn’t work.
You’ll need help to disarm your subconscious protector, shift the energy and reprogram your subconscious mind.
The Conscious Mind alone is no match for what you have been through.
You didn’t expect this. You didn’t ask for this.
But You will need to change this.
No one is going to do it for you.
The cycle of narcissistic abuse is nonfatal intimate battering – violence.
We did not choose this experience consciously.
We do this subconsciously,
In the beginning, the disrespect can be barely perceptible.
People you are going to for help can diminish the importance of what is happening because your arguments are about words.
SUDDEN HOSTILITY – will catch you off guard.
When you say, “Where did that come from?” that’s a sign it’s toxic.
After all, you haven’t change who you were was or how I was at all.
It can be hard for you to describe the problems you are having and why you hurt.
I’d like to help you with that. Check out my Free Resources. Email me your Questions, I would love to know what’s on your mind, and what you’d like to know more about.