How do you handle yourself when you make a mistake, do something you regret or you find yourself struggling in some area of your life?
Say you decided to stop neglecting your needs and set an intention to assert yourself with others but you felt guilty and became too fearful to say no when someone needed your help….again!
Say you had a cigarette and you were trying to quit smoking but the cravings got the best of you,
or you are struggling to stick to your diet and you’re really frustrated with your weight,
or maybe your relationships aren’t working and you feel isolated and all alone.
When something like this happens to you, How do you treat yourself?
What is your first response? Do you judge and criticize yourself?
Say things to yourself like, “I have no will power,” “I knew this wouldn’t work” or “what’s wrong with me?”
Or do you immediately fly into fix it mode and try to fix things and make sure it doesn’t happen again?
Or worse do you ignore it and act like nothing happened?
Well, what if I told you that the way you respond to yourself FIRST can determine whether you will repeat that situation again and become a victim to your situation. It also determines whether you will finally put an end to the vicious cycle.
I’ve got a Juicy Living Tip for you to use right now: Use Self Compassion!
Yes, you heard me right. Respond to yourself FIRST with Self Compassion!
Forget about whether you deserve it or not. When you catch yourself doing something that disappoints you and brings you pain.
STOP and PAUSE
Then be KIND to YOURSELF
This action helps you stop your unwanted behavior faster and easier than Self Criticism and Punishment because it goes to the root of the problem.
Self Compassion is practice that you implement with yourself so that you can be empowered to make the changes that you desire to have in your life.
Self Compassion isn’t letting yourself get away with doing wrong, it’s 3 things:
#1 showing kindness to yourself the way that you would a dear friend. It’s being caring, forgiving, understanding and loving to yourself instead of self criticizing, or being cruel and judgmental. Stopping FIRST, to feel your suffering, to feel and acknowledge the pain and being there for yourself, instead of running away from yourself. This is showing kindness to your self
#2 It’s realizing that your only human and everyone makes mistakes and everyone has problems so you are not alone.
#3 It’s seeing things clearly as they are:
- no illusions,
- no lying,
- no passing blame
- making excuses
It’s being real and honest with yourself.
Self Compassion has many benefits and is drastically different from using self criticism to motivate yourself to change. You’ll find out how they are different and learn more about Self Compassion in an upcoming article.
People Pleasing behavior can seem overwhelming but can be overcome, I’m living proof of that. One of the methods I used to end my people pleasing habit was self compassion. I practiced Self Compassion as I built my confidence to speak up and stand up for myself.
It works!
So when you mess up, and you will, because we all do. Don’t turn your back on yourself. Before you do anything else, stop and pause and be kind.
Lana McMurray, Self Recovery Mentor, is Owner and Founder of Free 2 Thrive Coaching LLC, www.free2thrivecoaching.com, a Company helping people to break out of their self made prisons and free their REAL Self! She assist clients with getting out of their comfort zones and their own way. As a result of their work together, clients depart from people pleasing, codependency and paralyzing fear and become aware of themselves and awaken into being bold, confident and fully alive. She enjoys working confidentially with people on issues that have been troubling them for a long time but they just didn’t know who to talk to about it.
To schedule a complimentary Get Acquainted Sessions Click HERE or email her at: info@free2thrivecoaching.com
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I’ve never heard about self-compassion before. Like Lorraine, I’m my biggest critic and I push myself hard. I can see how self-compassion can help you avoid being stuck in self-criticism and move forward even faster. I’m up for a challenge!
Really? Well it is my great pleasure and honor to introduce you to “self compassion.” It is one of the greatest arsenals/tools that you could have in your tool kit for Self Image and being who God created you to be. We all make mistakes, small or large or we feel that “I’m not good enough” gremlin or self criticism bearing down on us from time to time. Self Compassion handles those self-enemies with grace, keeps us honest and humble and empowers us to reach for the stars. Thanks for posting Silvia.
What I appreciate about what you’ve shared here is that mighty combination of being honest with oneself AND realizing we all mess up and make mistakes!
I remember reading this book titled “A Soprano On Her Head” which was a series of essays about singing and performing. There was one chapter called “So You Were a Flop.” It was about how, when we mess up or things don’t go well for whatever reason, it’s freeing to just say, “Man, I was baaaad! I really flopped!” Not as a way to beat up on oneself but to just call it and get on with it.
With self-compassion, of course.
Nancy I love that! Calling it what it is and getting on with it, I so agree. What’s the use of hiding, that instills shame and self doubt. You’re right, we’re just human, we all mess up and make mistakes – so what! Self Compassion is so therapeutic and empowering. It can eliminate the time needed for a therapist considerably. Thanks for posting Nancy.
My tendency is to feel guilty and then to beat myself up for making the mistake. My perfectionist tendencies kick in.
Ooooh Perfectionism, I know that creature all to well also Lilia. Self Compassion not just manages perfectionist tendencies but heals the reason for it. Here’s a tip on how to use self compassion to combat or subdue perfectionism. Do it “wrong” anyway. In other words, “do it” unperfectly (if that’s a word) because done is better than perfect, then after you have done it be 1. kind to your self. 2. accept your humanity, all of us are in the same boat. 3. See what how you can improve upon it next time and know that you can add that improvement next time – but this time “right now” was good enough. Let me know if you try this and how it works out for you. Thanks for posting Lilia.
I needed this, I am my biggest critic and I am so hard on myself. My coach tells me this all the time. I’m going to take that pause the next time I find myself disappointed with me. Thanks!
Bravo Lorraine, glad to hear the commitment to yourself and happy to know this post helped. Yes, stop and pause and be kind. After all, what good has criticism done for you? Thanks for commenting.